Remember remember

“Remember Remember the Fifth of November. Gunpowder, Treason and Plot. I see no reason why Gunpowder, Treason and plot should every be forgot”.

408 years ago, to the day, the Gunpowder plot was foiled. Parliament and King James were saved and Guy Fawkes was arrested. Nobody ever forgot the Fifth of November and to this day it is still remembered by fireworks up and down Britain.

6 years ago, on the Fifth of November 2007, I was in the last stages of labour, when I heard fireworks going off above Kingston On Thames. At 19.33 Elizabeth was born. I always tell her she had a real sense of drama, as she literally wanted to be born with a BANG. Little did I realise then my life would change forever. A mere few weeks later I became a single parent and everything I did, I did for my beautiful little baby.

Now we are 6 years down the line. And I keep thinking what a splendid job I have done so far. It was, and still is, hard work, every single day. But when I look at Elizabeth, I can’t feel anything else but utter pride. She is the sunshine at the start of the day and a little raincloud at intervals. She is the quiet before the storm and the raindrops after a spring shower. She is my everything.

Happy birthday, gorgeous girl. You teach me so much everyday and I love you with all my heart. Remember remember the Fifth of November. Thanks to you I will always remember!

Experience

Have you ever felt alone?

Have you ever felt sad?

Have you ever felt hurt?

Very often life twists and turns like a rollercoaster stuck on repeat. And then it is up to us, to figure out where one ride ends and another begins. A process of rinse and repeat.

What we are left with, is called “experience”.

I guess we all need to go through a certain amount of emotions, to gain this experience. Emotions of elation and happiness, loss and sorrow, loneliness and despair. We have all felt them, but we all deal with them differently.

At this moment in time, I am in a happy place. I have fought off depression and I haven’t been low or depressed for nearly a year now. This is the first winter, I am actually looking forward to, in a very long time. I feel happy, stable, drama-free. I can freely express my emotions, without wondering how people might react. I have a supportive and understanding family and I am surrounded by amazing friends.

I am happy!

There used to be a time, I wasn’t happy. I felt so lonely and most of all, I was hurt. Hurt by people and the choices they made. Hurt by the way they discarded me, without regard for my feelings or the effect their actions had on me.
That hurt was like a fireball raging in my stomach. An alien entity, which nestled itself into the pit of my soul, feeding off my blood. Its tenticles reaching out into my limbs. And there was only one thing on my mind…..

When I look at my arms now, as I write this, I don’t feel proud. I feel great sadness that life’s rollercoaster has given me a lasting memory about that painful time. The scars reminding me of the times I tried to cut out the hurt and pain. Seeing the blood flow freely was almost cathartic back then.

Self-harm, I didn’t see it that way when it happened. I wasn’t “harming myself”, I was “getting rid of the physical pain”. Although, the scars now prove the contrary. They remind me, about how I felt at the time and how I dealt with it in my mind.

My experience now has taught me, self-harming doesn’t solve the problem. It is a physical reaction of the mind. A certain cry for help, because some issues you just can’t deal with alone. I have learnt a great deal from this dark period in time.

Have you got any experiences, which have a lasting effect on your life? I’d love to hear about the good, the bad and the ugly. Mine was an ugly, but necessary one…what about you?

Thanks for reading

From Wild Child to Domestic Goddess

Last week a friend asked me, if I wanted to go out on Saturday. Like me, my friend is a single mum of two lovely kids and she thought it was a good idea we’d have a get together, a drink, perhaps some dancing. So, I agreed to come with her.

This was the first time in three years, I actually went on a proper night out. Three years…..I can’t believe it has been that long. Granted, I did go out on a date in April with “Mr. Right Now” (read here about him https://greenleafje.wordpress.com/2012/08/17/meeting-mr-right-real-life-sex-and-the-city/), but that was just for drinks in a local hotel bar.

A proper night out! The prospect was actually very exciting. Especially the “meeting new people aspect”. My friend picked me up at my house and we walked into town. We stopped at a couple of places, including the local Irish pub.

I can say, we had fun! A good conversation, a drink, a dance in the end….although I can now also honestly say: going out, I think I have outgrown it. I used to be someone who’d go out at least twice a week. I loved dancing. Even made it into my hobby-profession for awhile. Fun and crazy times to say the least.

Almost five years ago (in November) I became a mum for the first time. Obviously that event changed my life. Three years later I did it all over again, when Monkey Son was born. Changing again, who I was…..

Yesterday it became very apparent how much I have changed over the past five years. Whereas I used to be a Wild Child, I have now become a Domestic Goddess. I used to think: “where is the cutest guy in the club, so I can go and chat him up?”, now I think: “hmmm, the dude looking at me, you reckon he’d enjoy a conversation about *insert subject*”; probably something along the lines of baking bread or Tudor History, or even parenting! The kind of people going out in my town don’t seem much interested in Domestic Goddess subjects.

Him: “what are you drinking”
Me: “coke”
Him: *smug* “I don’t drink anything else but alcohol and so should you”
Me: (in my head) “ai caramba”

Going out! The rules of “hunting” have stayed the same since I put my first steps into the partyscene. But I, as a player in this game, have moved on. I rather cuddle up on the couch with a good book, or watch a geeky movie, or do some knitting, or potter about in the garden even. Obviously a new problem arises then: How to meet new people? How do you meet a potential partner if you don’t feel like doing the whole going out thing anymore?

My friend put it quite nicely: “who knows, we will probably meet our Mr. Right in isle 6 of the local supermarket”.

Now THAT would be some story to tell!

Meeting Mr. Right~ real life sex and the city

When I started this blog, I needed an outlet to vent my feelings. As a mum of two, this is quite hard in real life, as I can’t really explain how I feel to the kids. I guess this blogpost is going to be one of those venting moments again.

This week has been a real week of “feelings”. Mixed feelings actually. Some way high and some way low. I am capable of recognising them now, so I am aware I don’t let myself be dragged into a bottomless pit of despair. Thank goodness I now have a way of writing them down.

Nowadays I treasure the good moments. I take compliments at heart. So when a few people came up to me this week to give me encouragement, I was greatful they did. Compliments about being a parent, about their hopes of me finding a good partner in life….those are the moments I use not to fall into depression again. They make me think: “you know, perhaps I am not such a bad person after all”. And then I have these moments, where I think: “darn it, am I just nothing more than a pawn in your life? A toy to be played with for awhile?”

You see, as a single parent there is another aspect, which is really hard. Loneliness! Now it is coming closer to september again, I already start thinking about the winter. And that word……”lonely”. When I think about it, it is enough to make me want to hide and cry. That feeling of loneliness, I want to cut it out of my life. As a single parent it makes me vulnerable. Vulnerable to attention. Vulnerable to people who are unsure about themselves and who use me as a toy. Whether intentionally or not.

I met someone a few months ago. Not going into specifics here, but there was a mutual attraction towards eachother. I knew it was the wrong thing to do. Morally wrong I mean, and we decided to take some time apart. But to no avail. A few weeks ago, we took things a bit further.
Now, I don’t regret the things I have done. I try to lead a life of as little regret as possible. But this evening I asked the gentleman in question (after 5 months) what his intentions towards me were. Sparking this convo was the fact I am going out on Saturday and I wanted to know where I stand in the “dating department”. Was I free to do what I want or not? And yeay me, I set myself up as vulnerable again. He didn’t want to reply first, but after twisting his arm a bit, he answered. “You get carte blanche and you won’t hurt me.”

I am such a silly moo, aren’t I? I set myself up for disappointment. I set myself up for being the toy of someone else’s amusement. And then I ask myself “why?” Simple, really, isn’t it? I don’t want to be lonely. I crave the attention of an adult I can care for.
I have invested five months of my life into this person. Often staying up till late at night to be able to have a chat, a cuddle or more. Five months in which people have said to me again and again, it is not worth it. But, you know, to me it is worth it. Because the little instances of happiness I can have outweigh the numbing feeling of being alone.

And that, makes me fragile!

Well, Saturday I am going out. A friend of mine asked me if we could go for a drink in town. Both single ladies, so I am sure we will have a good time. But in the back of my head, I will keep thinking….maybe, just maybe, I might meet Mr. Right. And get over Mr. Right Now.

A single mum and benefits ~ how do you think I like it?

I was having a conversation on twitter this evening, which sparked me to write a brutally honest blogpost. The conversation was about government finances and how I get benefits as a single mother.
The tweeter’s retort:

“I pay 63% of my wage in taxes and I get nothing”. First of all I would like to state that the word nothing is quite exagerated. In Belgium we get child benefits for every child we have. Even when you are a high earner. So not like in Great Britain where your child benefits are stopped once you earn over a certain amount. We have very cheap healthcare and access to a GP without even having to phone to make an appointment. We just show up. We get a whole load of tax credits, included being able to deduct your houseloan from your tax return…..so the word “nothing” must be put in perspective.

It is very hard for me, to write this post, cause it is the toughest part of my daily life. Money! Yes, I admit, I am a single mother and I live off benefits. At least, for now….because the tides will turn!
Am I proud to live off benefits? No, I am not. Do I think it is a necessary evil? Yes, I think I do.
Before anyone thinks I am a benefit scrounger, I would like to point out I have been earning a wage from the age of 19. I worked as a pro dancer, a salesperson (hard sales as well), receptionist, shift leader, reception manager and conference and banqueting sales advisor. I even worked as a wedding planner! I worked for the biggest and most beautiful 5* hotels in Europe, working 18 hours a day. And then, at the age of 28, I became a mum. 4 months later, I became a single mum. I came back from London with a 4 month old baby, a maxi cosi and a suitcase. And I had to move in with my parents.

I immediatly started looking for a job, which I found after two months. I moved out of my parents’ home, rented a flat and started working. My daughter went to a shiny new nursery. 6 weeks later, I got a phonecall at the end of the day. They couldn’t use me at my job anymore, because “I couldn’t work overtime”. I did specifically say in the job interview I could only work nursery hours. And even then my child would be away from home from 7 am to 7 pm. She didn’t have a fulltime daddy anymore, nor a fulltime mummy either. I continued looking for work, while my daughter went to nursery at 25€/day. After two months and 800 euros later, I had to take her out of nursery. I lost her place there and was left with a HUGE financial gap. It took me two years to repay it

So, I became stuck and I had to apply for unemployment benefits. I enrolled my daughter in a state funded nursery, but the waiting list was epic. Before it was her time to go there, she was able to go to school. And in the meantime, I found a boyfriend. His story is not mine to tell, but the end of the story is: I became a single mum for the second time. I wasn’t happy with this situation, have been hitting my head against the wall blaming my own stupidity. And you know what? I became depressed! I had a minor post natal depression after the birth of my daughter. But the depression I had while being pregnant of Henry lasted two years. Actually, now we are brutally honest here, I just came off a whole ****load of antidepressants last month. I have been seeing various psychiatrists and people to make me realise I am not such a bad and stupid person after all.

So, in the midst of my own personal breakdown, I still had to take care of my kids. I still had to pay my bills, and my debts and I was still on benefits. Benefits for a single mother with two kids is the most minimum you can have. I get on average 1000 euros/month in unemployment benefit plus 300 euros in child benefits. My rent is 550€, gas and electricity 150€, water 30€, debts 200€ (which include gas and electricity bills which I couldnt pay off in one go): 930 euros! 370 euros left to pay for food, clothes for me and the children, nappies, wet wipes, medication, doctor’s visits, outings…etc…Amidst the worse economical breakdown since I was born. Prices of food have soared and I am left most days with feeding my children while I go hungry. Thank goodness I have my parents and grandparents who come to aid, if I don’t get to the end of the month! Thank goodness for my grandmother to make me food when all I have is bread in the cupboard.

Yes, I am on benefits: How do you think I like that? Don’t you think I want a way out of this situation?

You know what? I have found a way out of this situation! Thanks to the jobcentre I can go back to school and retrain. We have a chronic shortage of nurses in Belgium. It is so bad, employers are now trying to attract nurses from other countries to work here. The jobcentre has given me the opportunity to do a three year course and work in the healthcare system. As a mother, who does a lot of “carework” already, I jumped at this chance! 3 years of hard graft, with the guarantee I will always have a job! I have found a nanny for Henry, who offered to take care of him for free. I can’t seriously thank this lady enough. Elizabeth is a big girl now, who is going to school fulltime. And me…I am taking the next step in providing for my family. All by myself! I will not only be a fulltime single parent, I will also be a fulltime student. Am I mad? Probably, yes…..

So, dear people, before you find it necessary again to say: “oh, you get money from the government and I get nothing”, could you please spare a moment and think some people do actually struggle! And some people are eternally greatful, for what basically is a handout. I am truely sorry I asked for this handout. But please, come and live in my shoes for a month and then see again how desperately I want out.

THE REPLY FROM SAID TWEETER AFTER READING MY POST:

“I understand where you come from, but you put a negative connotation on everything”

I have had a fair few comments on this blogpost already and each and every single one of them has been positive and encouraging. The said tweeters response was the only negative one. Who is the negative nancy then, I wonder!
I am proud of what I have accomplished over the years. The situation I am in, I don’t wish on my enemies, nor my friends. I am looking to the future with great courage!

Thank you all for the lovely replies and messages

In a city unknown -ode to the night-

Black clouds gather,
In a city unknown,
When Nature manifests
The ominous truth
Of self-loathing and fear.
Buried skin deep
When my demons are near.

People walk by,
In a city unknown.
They smile at a child,
Whose innocence grows,
With every hello, goodbye, farewell
they show.
They look at the sky and hurry away,
The oncoming storm,
not for them to share.

As I lay in my bed,
In a city unknown.
Thick drops of rain,
On my window and soul.
I talk to the devils and fallen angels alike.
I show them my scars from the battle of life.
They mock, they scorn
As the flesh still heals.
They yielded the knife and made me feel
The department of hope,
Was fantasy, not real.

The night passes by,
In a city unknown.
Laughter in the distance,
In a city unknown.
Tears on a pillow,
In a city unknown.

Does society put too much pressure on our kids?

After watching the Flemish news today, I felt compelled to write something about what most parents must frequently come across. The amount of pressure we daily put on our kids!

A few days ago a 20 year old boy ran away from home, after some bad grades in college. He wasn’t the first one who made the news. The fear of bad grades and reaction of family, seems to be ending up in runaway cases and worse: Teenage suicide.

Another item on the news. Twelve year olds (in 6th grade) have to do a lot of tests before they can go to middle school. One of these tests now, in certain schools, is to make a dessert from scratch in school. Not only do they need to make a dessert, they have to make it with an artistic twist, leave their workplace squeeky clean AND write the whole recipe and method down for the teacher. This is on top of their regular languages, history, maths work, etc…

In Belgium toddlers can go to school from when they are 2 and a half years old. They learn to read and write from the age of 5-6, another language is introduced by the time they are 10. We have an excellent school system. However, sometimes I wonder whether we put too much pressure on our children? They have to perform well in school, in their sports team, socially they are only accepted when they have a heap of friends…
By the time our youngsters reach college or university, some might crack! 20 years old and life beats them with a stick so hard they can’t handle it anymore.

As a single parent I frequently think about this. My kids are for the most part deprived of their dad. Which must cause some sort of stress already. So I have decided to be guided by my children. My daughter, who is 4, is attending school when she wants to (compulsary school starts in September for her). A month ago I talked to her teacher and apparently my daughter is doing as well as her classmates who attend fulltime school. She is chatty, social, good in all the skills they also teach in school…but all learnt in her own time.

My household is a no pressure household. My children do things when they feel ready for it. Not when I think they are ready, or when society says they should be. It definitely is tricky, because most people think we are a bit “out there”. Although, I feel I do what is right for the kids.

When you think about it…does society put too much pressure on our youngster? And how do you deal with it? Thoughts always welcome.

What’s it like, having “Me time”?

This evening, I am feeling totally shattered. Such a busy day we had. Obviously mummy had to do her chores in the morning. Take care of kids and ninjacat. I also had to take care of a multitude of sheets I had draped everywhere to dry. And another load of laundry. Kids are such messy little people! Like they create laundry from nowhere!

For lunch we had a roast dinner. With WE I mean my two monkeys. It was so nice, they practically ate all of it, leaving me with the leftovers. Quite a disadvantage, being a single parent on a really low budget. Kids come first, when it comes to food!

Today also saw the first snow of the winter. When we got up, Boo and Monkey were so excited, I had to promise I’d take them out for some snow fun. A promise I fulfilled after our lunch. Boo threw some big snowballs and I have never heard my son squeal so much in excitement. It wasn’t his first snow, but the first he could see and realise. The look on his face was so precious.

After our snowfun, it was time to walk into town for some errands. By now we had some cold, snowy showers as well. And it was turning quite horrid. Our 3 o’clock snacktime was spent having cake and hot chocolate. Afterwards we quickly walked home again. Belgium saw a general strike today, so no bus home. My daughter was such a brave lady! Her little legs took her all the way back.

When we got home, I realised my living room windows were so drafty. They are single glazed, with iron frames. Might as well put plastic in them, for the same effect! Monkey’s playpen was standing right in the draft. So I gave the playpen a new place, which meant I had to rearrange the other furniture. My back now strongly disagrees with this decision.

5pm already?? Tea time. I fed the kids some leftover spaghetti and put them in their pj’s. Then they watched tv, while I did dishes, hung up laundry, and got everything tidied up. By 6.30, after brushing teeth and reading a story, they were in bed.

At 7pm I had my first meal of the day. I promised I’d take more care of myself. But single parenting is deciding otherwise again!

The little struggles that make me want to clone myself.

The harder the struggle, the more glorious the triumph. Self-realization demands very great struggle.

Swami Sivananda

I think we can say single parenting is a struggle. However you become a single parent, the end result is the same. Trying to raise your children, while juggling your finances, your massive responsibilities and duties, not to forget your emotions. And then you have those little, tiny, everyday struggles, that cause more nuissance than you like. But which you have to do regardless. I’d like to talk to you about those right now.

Living in a flat on the second floor

When you struggle financially, you have to live by your means. Four years ago, I started renting this flat because it was cheap(ish). The absolute pain in the bottom is the fact it is two floors up, without a lift. When you have a two parent family, it isn’t that big of a deal. However, can you picture it doing this on your own: taking two kids, toys, schoolbag, handbag, groceries, etc…up two flights of stairs. I do it three times a day, if not more. First the kids and the bags. Get kids out of their coats and shoes. Put them in the living room. Go back downstairs to get the rest…does my head in!

Not owning a car

Again a result of struggling financially. I don’t own a car. Frankly, I don’t need a car, but sometimes I wish I did have one. Especially now my local supermarket has decided moving out of my neighbourhood was a good idea. Pet peeve of the week: The weekly grocery shop. I only go once a week, as it really is too far away to do it everyday. So, with one hand I push the pram, with the other hand I pull an overloaded trolley. Next to a road, where speeding is generally looked at as acceptable. And then I still try to make sure my daughter, who is walking besides me, is safe! At least I don’t need to pay a gym membership to stay fit! I’ve climbed Ben Nevis twice in under 7 hours return, without the slightest preparation!

All the times I need to grow more hands

Sometimes I think I need to become Shiva and grow more hands. As a single parent there are times I should be able to do things at the same time. Picture this one: When changing a nappy, the oldest says “mummy, toilet now please!!” I promise, you learn to change a nappy really quickly then! Or this one “mummy, can you wipe my hands?” when you are feeding the little one. And you know when you say yes and wipe her hands, the little one will stick his hands in his food and decorate his hair. But when you say “please wait” the waiting will not happen and the sticky hands will go everywhere in a matter of nanoseconds.

Today was one of those days, the little struggles came crashing down on me. The kids were in a superdemanding ~how can we annoy mummy the most mood by asking everything at the same time~ I had to go groceryshopping AND drag the whole lot upstairs. By the time the clock hit 5 pm I was shattered and decided dinner was going to be pizza.

Those are the daily struggles….would you still like to know about the harder ones?

When the universe doesn’t speak but shouts!

By now you all know the reasons why I have started this blog. To underline the difficulties single parents face in our society.

Last night I went through an experience, I will never be able to forget, but which highlights again the fact that we need to get heard! So here goes….

I spent the afternoon with the kids at my mum’s house. Mum needed some help, as she wasn’t feeling well and I needed to do some stuff as well online. Around 8 pm we decided to take the bus back home. At one of the busstops a mum tried to get in. She had a three year old boy with her. Clearly this mum had too much to drink. She stumbled to her seat, the little boy in tow. We drove on to the final stop (the station), where the bus stopped quite abruptly. What happened then is actually very hard to tell. The little boy was sitting on his knees in the chair and when the bus stopped, he toppled over (about a meter and a half down) and smacked the back of his head hard against a ledge. About ten people just casually walked off the bus, not caring, while the boy was in tears. Mum, well, she was just sitting there, seemingly unaware what just happened.
I decided to take my own kids off the bus. Told my oldest one to keep an eye on her brother, while I got the screaming boy off the bus to check him over. I noticed he wasn’t bleeding and that he was conscience enough to give me his name. I tried my best to comfort him. His little arms clutching me tight. My heart just broke.
A few seconds later, mum stumbled out of the bus. She grabbed her child off me and started walking. I took my own kids and ran after her. She needed to go to hospital straight away, in case the little boy had a concusion or worse! Her reaction: “I will go to the doctor tomorrow” and off she went. Knowing that there was a chance this child wouldn’t survive the night if he was seriously injured, I kept walking beside her, trying to talk to her. By then another man came to my aid, asking me if I needed help. Thank goodness he was there! I explained what happened and he thought the same as me. We needed to call the police. So he did. I kept talking to the mum. She said: “I am a single mum for a whole year, and it is hard!” This struck me so hard! “trust me, love, I know!” The man next to me: “I am a single dad and I struggle combining parenting and going to school”

So, there we were. Three single parents walking the streets of Hasselt. One mum, who simply drowned her sorrows in liquor and who admitted in a stupour she wasn’t coping. One dad (who became dad at a fairly young age) and me…with my kids.

The universe wasn’t trying to tell me something, it was SHOUTING: “DEBORAH, LOOK AROUND, OTHER PEOPLE LIKE YOU, ALL SORTS OF PEOPLE AND THEY NEED HELP. PLEASE HELP!

A few minutes later, the police came and took mum and her little boy with them to the hospital. I hope, this is mum’s wake up call and that social services find this case severe enough to investigate further. I sincerely hope this mum gets some immediate help.

This experience really shook me to the core. People in government need to start realising NOW they have a HUGE PROBLEM on their hands. It hasn’t even been a week since I started this blog and then this…….Three single parents on the streets of Hasselt. All with their own sets of problems…..and I am not even trying to scratch the surface. I haven’t even tried to reach out to others.

The question now is: What do we need to do to get heard? I am starting here with you, dear people of the net. Share this, if you please. Even if you are not a single parent. We need to defend the weakest of our society, our kids most importantly: support their carers….and it all begins with a bit of compassion and a ton of knowledge!