This week was an odd week. I am currently home from a work related accident. Wrecked my back, so I need to take it easy. (Easier said than done with two kids). I also had a funeral to go to. As I come from a family which is tough as nails, funerals are not a common affair. But, in the end, they do happen. So, you can imagine, this week wasn’t the grand finale of my year so far. My mood was in a bit of a funk. And still….I had several people, independently, come up to me to say I look so happy.
“Happy”. It is a word which is quite strange to me. Because happiness itself has been a stranger to me for such a long time. I can so vividly remember the times I felt sick to the stomach because I was unhappy. Physically shutting doors and windows. Barricading myself inside the house, away from anything and everyone. These times seem so nearby, yet so far away now. They have changed me. They changed the way I view people. They changed my priorities, they changed the way I see myself. I became a new and improved version of myself. But…..to call myself “happy”, well, that’s a whole other kettle of fish.
So, when these people I talked to this week complimented me, I had found myself thinking. Why were they so generous with their compliments? Nothing has changed in me. I am still me. Still mum to 2 beautiful children, still struggling to make ends meet. Still fighting the good fight on social issues, which I find important. Still searching for answers….I am JUST buggering on. Or am I!?
And then I thought….no, there must be something they see. Something not apparent to me. What is it? What could it be? They see beauty and strenght apparently. But, I think it is something else. I believe, people are seeing I am happy. Happy with who I am, happy in myself, happy with the past (present and future). In peace with what has happened and content with how it all worked out. The years of my depression are a long way behind me now. I have recovered and finally it is showing. And now, I am getting compliments in return. I am not used to them though. However, this is also something I will learn to accept over time!