When I started this blog, I needed an outlet to vent my feelings. As a mum of two, this is quite hard in real life, as I can’t really explain how I feel to the kids. I guess this blogpost is going to be one of those venting moments again.
This week has been a real week of “feelings”. Mixed feelings actually. Some way high and some way low. I am capable of recognising them now, so I am aware I don’t let myself be dragged into a bottomless pit of despair. Thank goodness I now have a way of writing them down.
Nowadays I treasure the good moments. I take compliments at heart. So when a few people came up to me this week to give me encouragement, I was greatful they did. Compliments about being a parent, about their hopes of me finding a good partner in life….those are the moments I use not to fall into depression again. They make me think: “you know, perhaps I am not such a bad person after all”. And then I have these moments, where I think: “darn it, am I just nothing more than a pawn in your life? A toy to be played with for awhile?”
You see, as a single parent there is another aspect, which is really hard. Loneliness! Now it is coming closer to september again, I already start thinking about the winter. And that word……”lonely”. When I think about it, it is enough to make me want to hide and cry. That feeling of loneliness, I want to cut it out of my life. As a single parent it makes me vulnerable. Vulnerable to attention. Vulnerable to people who are unsure about themselves and who use me as a toy. Whether intentionally or not.
I met someone a few months ago. Not going into specifics here, but there was a mutual attraction towards eachother. I knew it was the wrong thing to do. Morally wrong I mean, and we decided to take some time apart. But to no avail. A few weeks ago, we took things a bit further.
Now, I don’t regret the things I have done. I try to lead a life of as little regret as possible. But this evening I asked the gentleman in question (after 5 months) what his intentions towards me were. Sparking this convo was the fact I am going out on Saturday and I wanted to know where I stand in the “dating department”. Was I free to do what I want or not? And yeay me, I set myself up as vulnerable again. He didn’t want to reply first, but after twisting his arm a bit, he answered. “You get carte blanche and you won’t hurt me.”
I am such a silly moo, aren’t I? I set myself up for disappointment. I set myself up for being the toy of someone else’s amusement. And then I ask myself “why?” Simple, really, isn’t it? I don’t want to be lonely. I crave the attention of an adult I can care for.
I have invested five months of my life into this person. Often staying up till late at night to be able to have a chat, a cuddle or more. Five months in which people have said to me again and again, it is not worth it. But, you know, to me it is worth it. Because the little instances of happiness I can have outweigh the numbing feeling of being alone.
And that, makes me fragile!
Well, Saturday I am going out. A friend of mine asked me if we could go for a drink in town. Both single ladies, so I am sure we will have a good time. But in the back of my head, I will keep thinking….maybe, just maybe, I might meet Mr. Right. And get over Mr. Right Now.