Experience

Have you ever felt alone?

Have you ever felt sad?

Have you ever felt hurt?

Very often life twists and turns like a rollercoaster stuck on repeat. And then it is up to us, to figure out where one ride ends and another begins. A process of rinse and repeat.

What we are left with, is called “experience”.

I guess we all need to go through a certain amount of emotions, to gain this experience. Emotions of elation and happiness, loss and sorrow, loneliness and despair. We have all felt them, but we all deal with them differently.

At this moment in time, I am in a happy place. I have fought off depression and I haven’t been low or depressed for nearly a year now. This is the first winter, I am actually looking forward to, in a very long time. I feel happy, stable, drama-free. I can freely express my emotions, without wondering how people might react. I have a supportive and understanding family and I am surrounded by amazing friends.

I am happy!

There used to be a time, I wasn’t happy. I felt so lonely and most of all, I was hurt. Hurt by people and the choices they made. Hurt by the way they discarded me, without regard for my feelings or the effect their actions had on me.
That hurt was like a fireball raging in my stomach. An alien entity, which nestled itself into the pit of my soul, feeding off my blood. Its tenticles reaching out into my limbs. And there was only one thing on my mind…..

When I look at my arms now, as I write this, I don’t feel proud. I feel great sadness that life’s rollercoaster has given me a lasting memory about that painful time. The scars reminding me of the times I tried to cut out the hurt and pain. Seeing the blood flow freely was almost cathartic back then.

Self-harm, I didn’t see it that way when it happened. I wasn’t “harming myself”, I was “getting rid of the physical pain”. Although, the scars now prove the contrary. They remind me, about how I felt at the time and how I dealt with it in my mind.

My experience now has taught me, self-harming doesn’t solve the problem. It is a physical reaction of the mind. A certain cry for help, because some issues you just can’t deal with alone. I have learnt a great deal from this dark period in time.

Have you got any experiences, which have a lasting effect on your life? I’d love to hear about the good, the bad and the ugly. Mine was an ugly, but necessary one…what about you?

Thanks for reading

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