survival of the fittest
Mentally I am not the fittest. Quite frankly, I am one of the weakest. But all I do is survive.
I have been haunted by depression now for almost 5 years.
I am weeping my eyes out while writing this, because I thought I had beaten this ugly monster.
I relapsed yesterday. It fell over me like a ton of bricks. A demon waiting to be unleashed from the inside out…..here is my story.
I have two beautiful kids. The most gorgeous, well mannered, loveliest parts of me I have ever set my eyes on. Unfortunately, after both my pregnancies I fell ill with post natal depression. After my first pregnancy I more or less dealt with it myself. Going through life, being a single mum from when my daughter was 3 months old. I had stuff to do and things to take care of. I went through the motions automatically. I refused to take care of myself, as a little person depended on me.
When my son was born, I had another little person depending on me. Through circumstances again thrown into single parenthood. But now with two kids, instead of one. The post natal depression was brutal. I didn’t sleep, didn’t eat, lost so much weight. I went to a psychiatrist. We did hours of talking. Someone to tell my story to. And after a few months, I felt ok. Ready to face the world again.
Five months later, and that was last year November, I relapsed. I went to my psychiatrist for a second time. He immediatly noticed I was in a bad shape and subscribed me an antidepressant called sipralexa.
How I battled with that drug. But I took it nonetheless. I wanted to feel happy again. The desire to be happy was more powerful than any medication fucking up my body. I took it for 9 months, the highest dosis, twice a day. Medically I was found fit for work merely three months ago.
I decided to go back to college. To study nursing. School is 6 weeks in and I have realised it is way out of my league. Not because intellectually I wouldn’t be able to handle it. I struggle with the lack of time I can put into it. Going to school and learning whilst in school isn’t an issue. But outside school I have two kids depending on me. My household chores…..it is more than I can handle. Although, I will keep going to school. It puts my mind off things I don’t want to think about. It gives me focus and something to do.
This thing called depression. It is inexplicable to people who don’t suffer from it. My friends and family don’t see me as a depressed person. They see me cheery and full of life and good humoured. But underneath this exterior is a putrid interior, rotting away my soul. Last night it felt like my body was a shell and the insides were exploding from the gasses my soul has concocted over a few months. It is an intense pain, very hard to explain. All welling up in my throat, ready to be vomited out. This morning, my body feels like a shell, with the insides gone. No feelings, no emotions. Like an eggshell separated from its eggyolk.
I feel like staying in my bed forever. But I have to get up, for my kids. Cue automatic pilot. I have an exam on Monday. I dread even thinking about it. Cue automatic pilot. Luckily I have him. He is my survivalmode. The only ‘man’ in my life I can truely depend on. On Monday I need to make the phonecall again, which I didn’t want to make for a whole long time. Back to square one. Back to counselling. Back to admitting defeat over this gruelling monster.
When will it stop?
UPDATE: I’d like to thank everyone for the kind messages. I haven’t waited to get help until Monday. I have found a new practice in my hometown, no waiting list for being seen. I contacted them straight away, so hopefully I can get an appointment this week.