A thank you

When New Years hit this year, I didn’t expect it to become a bit of a rollercoaster in the first few months. Everything seemed to settle into place one way or another. I found a job, I started my own business as well. And, I started dating. Most people know, I have been on a datingsite for a bit now, but nobody actually caught my proper attention. Until last month, that is. I was single for the grand total of 4 years and 6 weeks! And then I met this utterly wonderful, handsome and amazing man.

You probably wonder why I was single for so long? Well, I went through 3 long relationships, which didn’t succeed. Three failures, which properly shattered my heart…..and soul….and body in the process. Their legacy, a broken woman, with 2 tiny children. My decision to stay single was one of pure conviction nobody could ever touch me emotionally again. Because I wouldn’t let him. But, as the grand old cliché says: “time heals all wounds”. Time does that, you know. I went from broken, to a fixer upper, to fixed, to fully well balanced and happy in those four years. It took a psychiater, a psychologist, a ton of medication, a period of selfharm, 2 kids and some wonderful friends to make me the person I am now.
And then, when I felt I could take on the world once more, the universe threw someone at me who’d put the Berlin wall, The Chinese Wall and the Wailing Wall combined to shame. Obviously I am not into any position to go into details, but we had a rather good talk this evening. And that talk, made me start to ponder. My mind likes to do that….

I have learnt so much from my depression. And one of those things is to not give up what you believe in. A few years ago I believed things would get better if I willed them so. I believed I would heal, if I worked hard at it. Needless to say, it was an up and down affair from beginning to end. But I never gave up, not for one second. I retreated to my cave when the need was highest, and I sought help when all felt lost. I don’t think I could be taught a greater lesson than that at the time of my depression.

So, when I met this guy, I felt there was something special about him. For me, it clicked, and apparently the feeling was/is mutual. After talking today, I also realise this is not an ordinary man, in many ways. Some good, some bad. Today, I could have said: “I am sorry, but life has dealt me enough and I can’t take more”. However, I replied differently (which shocked myself mostly I think). I replied: “I feel you are worth putting energy and effort into and that is exactly what I will do, regardless of the outcome, cause I am not a quitter. I fight for what I believe in”.

In many ways I am a very spiritual person. I reckon the universe only gives that which you can handle. If you give good karma, help people, be kind and good, you will be on the receiving end of the same. Did the universe send me this person for a reason? I believe so! Will it test my patience? Hell yes! Will it up my frustration level? Probably to no extent. Will I learn from it? Undoubtably. I have actually already learned one thing: to look a man straight in the eyes again. To really look at a man once more, without the fear of being hurt.

Sometimes you could wish for a chrystal ball, to see what the future will be. I don’t know if this “relationship” will ever hit the ground running. The will to try is there, from both sides. However, even if it doesn’t work, I will get something valuable out of it. Because it means I have finally closed the darkest chapter of my life and started a new one. And I have this man to thank for it. If you read this….and I hope you do….thank you!

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